Stronger
This project is a series of photographs depicting children and young adults who have experienced bullying, taunting, verbal and or physical harassment. This collection of images and personal stories are meant to illuminate the adversity and perseverance young people have even when they are repeatedly beaten down, and to further empower these same young and brave youth, who, on a daily basis are forced to defend who they are, who or what they like, and how they feel. When they see their own portraits, I hope each of these individuals see themselves the way I see them: brave, strong, smart, beautiful, and worthy of respect.
The adjoining narratives come from extensive interviews with the subjects and their family members. This is not a journalistic piece in which I researched the facts beyond the stories they shared with me. What I have learned is that bullying can be about perception as well as the “facts” reported.
My hope is that viewers of these portraits and stories will walk away with the idea that we cannot live and interact with people assuming that others are like us. Not everyone is annoyed or hurt by what we are annoyed and hurt by and vice versa; there are many situations that would make one just shrug, that are out right plain painful for others. It is critical to be aware of another human’s feelings and thoughts, even if we think we can’t relate. For me, that is true empathy and acceptance.
The photographs were shot digitally and printed on metal. I wanted the portraits to be luminous as a metaphor for my subjects’ ability to overcome and have the faith to keep going in spite of daily hardships."
The stories, a critical part of this project, are reported below.
The adjoining narratives come from extensive interviews with the subjects and their family members. This is not a journalistic piece in which I researched the facts beyond the stories they shared with me. What I have learned is that bullying can be about perception as well as the “facts” reported.
My hope is that viewers of these portraits and stories will walk away with the idea that we cannot live and interact with people assuming that others are like us. Not everyone is annoyed or hurt by what we are annoyed and hurt by and vice versa; there are many situations that would make one just shrug, that are out right plain painful for others. It is critical to be aware of another human’s feelings and thoughts, even if we think we can’t relate. For me, that is true empathy and acceptance.
The photographs were shot digitally and printed on metal. I wanted the portraits to be luminous as a metaphor for my subjects’ ability to overcome and have the faith to keep going in spite of daily hardships."
The stories, a critical part of this project, are reported below.
Kaela, 10 years old
Her Story:
In second grade, Kaela started the school year at a new school. Pretty soon kids were asking her if he was a boy or a girl. “People, mostly girls, say that I act like a girl.” She says this in a matter of fact kind of way, as if he is used to it. This question surfaced a lot, not just at school. Even if it seemed that some people asked without wanting to tease, it was still annoying to be continuously judged for the clothes he wore or the way he talked and interacted with others. At camp, one girl told Kaela’s mom “he is weird!” and before she could answer, Kaela rebutted, “I am just myself.”
During the following school year, a group of boys, including one who often “started things,” began teasing him. Once Kaela found that someone had taken her daily school journal, erased a letter she had written and replaced it with: “YOU SUCK.” The handwriting looked a lot like that of the rude boy. One day at the playground, Kaela was on a swing and the same three boys were making fun of her pink scarf. The leader of the three quickly pulled it, choking her.
The Resolution:
Kaela mentioned the playground episode to her mom, who contacted the principal. She immediately spoke to the boys, got the families involved, and disciplinary actions were taken. One of the three boys is still in the same school as Kaela, and they have become friends. The instigator of the three is now in a different school. Kaela is a quiet and sweet kid, but she is also strong and she is ready to stand up for herself and her right to be who she wants to be.
Addendum: Since the time this photograph was taken Kaela transitioned to her gender identity and is no longer using her dead name.
Her Story:
In second grade, Kaela started the school year at a new school. Pretty soon kids were asking her if he was a boy or a girl. “People, mostly girls, say that I act like a girl.” She says this in a matter of fact kind of way, as if he is used to it. This question surfaced a lot, not just at school. Even if it seemed that some people asked without wanting to tease, it was still annoying to be continuously judged for the clothes he wore or the way he talked and interacted with others. At camp, one girl told Kaela’s mom “he is weird!” and before she could answer, Kaela rebutted, “I am just myself.”
During the following school year, a group of boys, including one who often “started things,” began teasing him. Once Kaela found that someone had taken her daily school journal, erased a letter she had written and replaced it with: “YOU SUCK.” The handwriting looked a lot like that of the rude boy. One day at the playground, Kaela was on a swing and the same three boys were making fun of her pink scarf. The leader of the three quickly pulled it, choking her.
The Resolution:
Kaela mentioned the playground episode to her mom, who contacted the principal. She immediately spoke to the boys, got the families involved, and disciplinary actions were taken. One of the three boys is still in the same school as Kaela, and they have become friends. The instigator of the three is now in a different school. Kaela is a quiet and sweet kid, but she is also strong and she is ready to stand up for herself and her right to be who she wants to be.
Addendum: Since the time this photograph was taken Kaela transitioned to her gender identity and is no longer using her dead name.
Sophia, 19 years old
Her Story:
When Sophia was in 4th grade she was harassed by a boy in her class, but it would be in middle and high school that harassment would become the daily norm. In middle school two cousins, who “seemed to fight a lot with everyone,” verbally pursued and hounded Sophia for a year. “They called me fat, ugly, teased me about the clothes I wore, and used swear words.” Sophia kept to herself that year and when school was over, so was “the drama.” Unfortunately, during her senior year of high school, things worsened. One of the cousins took Civics and Art with her, and the verbal taunting started again. This time it was more subtle. Constantly, she made fun of Sophia when she asked questions in class, and during art class she would sit right across from her, teasing her about her “greasy hair”, her weight, her body. The teasing was never overt, which made it more grating on Sophia’s nerves and made it harder to speak up about it. Worse, she knew how to get to Sophia when the teachers were not watching. One day, Sophia reports, “she sat right across from me, looked at me right in eyes and said “I hate nose piercing; they are trashy,” all the while staring at my small silver nose bead. Another day she pointed at me and said, loud enough for everyone in class to hear, that my breasts were saggy. I was REALLY embarrassed.” This daily ordeal made it really painful for Sophia to get up in the morning and go to school.
The Resolution:
Sophia spoke to her mom Connie, who went to talk to the teachers and the principal. Kids were interviewed and Sophia was asked why she had waited so long to report the persecution. The young woman was admonished and asked to keep her distance and not talk to her, but not much else was done for punishment, since school was to be out in a month. Though the young woman did keep her distance, she continued to glare at Sophia, leaving her in fear that she may snap and physically hurt her after her “tale telling.” With high school behind her, Sophia is now looking forward to the experience of a bully-free higher education.
Her Story:
When Sophia was in 4th grade she was harassed by a boy in her class, but it would be in middle and high school that harassment would become the daily norm. In middle school two cousins, who “seemed to fight a lot with everyone,” verbally pursued and hounded Sophia for a year. “They called me fat, ugly, teased me about the clothes I wore, and used swear words.” Sophia kept to herself that year and when school was over, so was “the drama.” Unfortunately, during her senior year of high school, things worsened. One of the cousins took Civics and Art with her, and the verbal taunting started again. This time it was more subtle. Constantly, she made fun of Sophia when she asked questions in class, and during art class she would sit right across from her, teasing her about her “greasy hair”, her weight, her body. The teasing was never overt, which made it more grating on Sophia’s nerves and made it harder to speak up about it. Worse, she knew how to get to Sophia when the teachers were not watching. One day, Sophia reports, “she sat right across from me, looked at me right in eyes and said “I hate nose piercing; they are trashy,” all the while staring at my small silver nose bead. Another day she pointed at me and said, loud enough for everyone in class to hear, that my breasts were saggy. I was REALLY embarrassed.” This daily ordeal made it really painful for Sophia to get up in the morning and go to school.
The Resolution:
Sophia spoke to her mom Connie, who went to talk to the teachers and the principal. Kids were interviewed and Sophia was asked why she had waited so long to report the persecution. The young woman was admonished and asked to keep her distance and not talk to her, but not much else was done for punishment, since school was to be out in a month. Though the young woman did keep her distance, she continued to glare at Sophia, leaving her in fear that she may snap and physically hurt her after her “tale telling.” With high school behind her, Sophia is now looking forward to the experience of a bully-free higher education.
Asha, 12 years old
Her Story:
Asha started experiencing harassment in school starting from first grade. One particular girl and her group pretended to be Asha’s friend on moment, then calling her names the next. On one occasion they were offering stickers to kids in their class. Asha, as many others, accepted this as a nice gesture. Later, however, these girls told Asha that she owed them money, following her around threatening to beat her up if she did not pay them back. They did not ask any of the other classmates for money.
Years later, in 4th grade Asha went to the bathroom when she was cornered and beat up. She was then threatened not to tell anyone. Her teacher reprimanded her for having been in the bathroom too long, ignoring the fact she looked like she had been crying. Asha told her grandparents what had happened, but when the girls where called in by the vice-principal and teacher, they denied Asha’s account of the story. The teacher called Asha a liar, accused her of wasting her time, and forced her to apologize to the girl who beat her up. Even when one of the girls, who had been absent during the questioning, confessed the truth, the girls were not asked to apologize and no disciplinary actions were taken. After this non-resolution, Asha lost trust in the authorities: “that girl had been given free license then” and things got even worst. Even though she was no longer physically harmed (the school asked her to tell right away if anything similar happened), they glared at her darkly for the rest of the year. Several months later, the teacher informed Asha that she “forgave her for causing so much trouble.”
In 5th grade Asha joined a religious female youth organization. She became fast friend with a new student at school. But just as suddenly as they were friends, the new “friend” began avoiding her, calling her names, and eventually physically hurting Asha. She bit, scratched, and called her “bitch” and “fag.” Asha would try to smooth things over, to forgive, but it always backfired. Even worse, this girl told Asha’s friends that it was Asha doing the bullying, so Asha’s friends turned on her. Asha’s grandparents asked the school and the youth organization to step in and help, but nothing happened: the school did not have proof.
In 6th grade, a guy Asha had befriended, started - out of the blue - to insult her calling her “a dude” and telling her “you don’t belong here, you should die in a hole.” Soon after, some of his friends started treating her the same way. If she was not in school, the boy would text her asking her why she was not in school, and he and his friends kept on harassing her. Asha was upset, cried a lot, did not want to go to school, and started secretly cutting herself.
The Resolution:
Asha’s grandparents eventually discovered what was happening, and her grandpa brought her to school to show the dean and her AVID teacher her arms. They told her they would take care of it. “I went to the councilor, regularly, but was still cutting myself in secret.” After the dean talked to the boy and told him what his behavior had done to Asha, he apologized to her. In AVID class they addressed bullying and cutting and in the second half of the year things got better.
Today Asha has found a supportive friend who has her back, and she is finally in a school that is active in addressing bullying issues, an institution that walks the walk instead of just talks the talk.
Her Story:
Asha started experiencing harassment in school starting from first grade. One particular girl and her group pretended to be Asha’s friend on moment, then calling her names the next. On one occasion they were offering stickers to kids in their class. Asha, as many others, accepted this as a nice gesture. Later, however, these girls told Asha that she owed them money, following her around threatening to beat her up if she did not pay them back. They did not ask any of the other classmates for money.
Years later, in 4th grade Asha went to the bathroom when she was cornered and beat up. She was then threatened not to tell anyone. Her teacher reprimanded her for having been in the bathroom too long, ignoring the fact she looked like she had been crying. Asha told her grandparents what had happened, but when the girls where called in by the vice-principal and teacher, they denied Asha’s account of the story. The teacher called Asha a liar, accused her of wasting her time, and forced her to apologize to the girl who beat her up. Even when one of the girls, who had been absent during the questioning, confessed the truth, the girls were not asked to apologize and no disciplinary actions were taken. After this non-resolution, Asha lost trust in the authorities: “that girl had been given free license then” and things got even worst. Even though she was no longer physically harmed (the school asked her to tell right away if anything similar happened), they glared at her darkly for the rest of the year. Several months later, the teacher informed Asha that she “forgave her for causing so much trouble.”
In 5th grade Asha joined a religious female youth organization. She became fast friend with a new student at school. But just as suddenly as they were friends, the new “friend” began avoiding her, calling her names, and eventually physically hurting Asha. She bit, scratched, and called her “bitch” and “fag.” Asha would try to smooth things over, to forgive, but it always backfired. Even worse, this girl told Asha’s friends that it was Asha doing the bullying, so Asha’s friends turned on her. Asha’s grandparents asked the school and the youth organization to step in and help, but nothing happened: the school did not have proof.
In 6th grade, a guy Asha had befriended, started - out of the blue - to insult her calling her “a dude” and telling her “you don’t belong here, you should die in a hole.” Soon after, some of his friends started treating her the same way. If she was not in school, the boy would text her asking her why she was not in school, and he and his friends kept on harassing her. Asha was upset, cried a lot, did not want to go to school, and started secretly cutting herself.
The Resolution:
Asha’s grandparents eventually discovered what was happening, and her grandpa brought her to school to show the dean and her AVID teacher her arms. They told her they would take care of it. “I went to the councilor, regularly, but was still cutting myself in secret.” After the dean talked to the boy and told him what his behavior had done to Asha, he apologized to her. In AVID class they addressed bullying and cutting and in the second half of the year things got better.
Today Asha has found a supportive friend who has her back, and she is finally in a school that is active in addressing bullying issues, an institution that walks the walk instead of just talks the talk.
Ashley, 17 years old
Her Story:
Ashley and her two friends, starting in 3rd grade, were often targeted and made fun of: “we were the odd ones. I remember sitting on the edge of the field by the woods of the playground, not near really anyone. And they would come to pick on us.” She recalls she was a “really awkward kid. I was so ADHD that I couldn’t handle socializing with people.” She had a short temper and no filters, and talked so fast she would at times stutter. But it was really in middle school when things got bad. She was not the best academically therefore she would get pulled out from class from the special ed. teacher and her classmates started to notice: they soon labeled her as one of the “rebellious” students, because that’s what people thought of the “special ed. kids.” Kids went from accusing her of being a “faker” to telling her she was a “freak,” a crazy person. There was so much drama and anxiety that she did not want to go to school. “It got harder and harder, I did not deal with it well and I got really depressed, it was not worth my education, and I do like school.” Kids knew how to push her buttons: they would bully Ashley’s friends to get a reaction from her. “I wanted to sit there and scream at them to stop, that it was not right what they were doing.” On day a group of 3 girls dragged on of her friends in the bathroom and beat her up so badly they broke her nose and “blood was all over the bathroom walls.” Ashley was so angry she got into a fist fight with the aggressors.
Beginning in 6th grade Ashley, wanting to be “cool,” started taking drugs, stronger and stronger and more addictive. She became aggressive, emotional, and paranoid. “I really don’t know how to take anger. When I get really angry I feel the anger in my arms, in my muscles. It’s not like a mental thing. For me it’s such a physical thing. I have to fiddle, get my harms moving or I end up getting aggressive.” Her parents did not realize what was happening -- “I was very good at hiding it” -- and they though it was a behavioral problems getting worst. “I was so angry at everyone and I turned a little bit into a bully myself and it sucked. At the time I wanted everyone to feel as bad as I did.”
Life at school was getting unbearable in 7th and 8th grade. For instance one day she volunteered to write a list for the class and her teacher responded: “nobody wants to see your handwriting Ashley!” She was upset: an adult who was supposed to be on the students’ side instead of encouraging her to try hard to do her best, publicly ridiculed her. In what would have been Ashley’s 9th grade things started spiraling down. Before the beginning of school she tried to commit suicide for the first time and she spent the rest of the year at home and in and out of the hospital –two weeks to one month at the time. She was severely depressed, very aggressive towards people, and had anxiety about leaving the house.
The Resolution:
In 10th grade Ashley started going to ReLife, a school which works with children and young adults “with a history of difficulties with emotional and behavioral regulation.” At first she was unhappy about it: “it was as if society couldn’t handle me and did not want to put an effort to help me” but she soon realized that many of the students there had gone through the same things she had gone through and for that “we have empathy for each other. It’s a more caring environment.” Her best friends from the other school are doing better also “they don’t need me as much anymore. So I had a lot more time to think about my own issues. That’s when it started to click. I realized I needed to change things.” Sometimes she is still the target of mean behaviors but she remarks “I am kind of over being upset at people for it. I don’t know their stories, why they are bulling people, what is going on in their life. Maybe they are being bullied and in turn, hurt others. It’s not ok to do it but I think we should be aware of how the bully feels too.” Ultimately Ashley is now doing much better. Her mom has been instrumental in getting her “to where I can function” and the many one-on-one meeting with “awesome” Miss Terry, a teacher at ReLife, have helped her tremendously as well.
Her Story:
Ashley and her two friends, starting in 3rd grade, were often targeted and made fun of: “we were the odd ones. I remember sitting on the edge of the field by the woods of the playground, not near really anyone. And they would come to pick on us.” She recalls she was a “really awkward kid. I was so ADHD that I couldn’t handle socializing with people.” She had a short temper and no filters, and talked so fast she would at times stutter. But it was really in middle school when things got bad. She was not the best academically therefore she would get pulled out from class from the special ed. teacher and her classmates started to notice: they soon labeled her as one of the “rebellious” students, because that’s what people thought of the “special ed. kids.” Kids went from accusing her of being a “faker” to telling her she was a “freak,” a crazy person. There was so much drama and anxiety that she did not want to go to school. “It got harder and harder, I did not deal with it well and I got really depressed, it was not worth my education, and I do like school.” Kids knew how to push her buttons: they would bully Ashley’s friends to get a reaction from her. “I wanted to sit there and scream at them to stop, that it was not right what they were doing.” On day a group of 3 girls dragged on of her friends in the bathroom and beat her up so badly they broke her nose and “blood was all over the bathroom walls.” Ashley was so angry she got into a fist fight with the aggressors.
Beginning in 6th grade Ashley, wanting to be “cool,” started taking drugs, stronger and stronger and more addictive. She became aggressive, emotional, and paranoid. “I really don’t know how to take anger. When I get really angry I feel the anger in my arms, in my muscles. It’s not like a mental thing. For me it’s such a physical thing. I have to fiddle, get my harms moving or I end up getting aggressive.” Her parents did not realize what was happening -- “I was very good at hiding it” -- and they though it was a behavioral problems getting worst. “I was so angry at everyone and I turned a little bit into a bully myself and it sucked. At the time I wanted everyone to feel as bad as I did.”
Life at school was getting unbearable in 7th and 8th grade. For instance one day she volunteered to write a list for the class and her teacher responded: “nobody wants to see your handwriting Ashley!” She was upset: an adult who was supposed to be on the students’ side instead of encouraging her to try hard to do her best, publicly ridiculed her. In what would have been Ashley’s 9th grade things started spiraling down. Before the beginning of school she tried to commit suicide for the first time and she spent the rest of the year at home and in and out of the hospital –two weeks to one month at the time. She was severely depressed, very aggressive towards people, and had anxiety about leaving the house.
The Resolution:
In 10th grade Ashley started going to ReLife, a school which works with children and young adults “with a history of difficulties with emotional and behavioral regulation.” At first she was unhappy about it: “it was as if society couldn’t handle me and did not want to put an effort to help me” but she soon realized that many of the students there had gone through the same things she had gone through and for that “we have empathy for each other. It’s a more caring environment.” Her best friends from the other school are doing better also “they don’t need me as much anymore. So I had a lot more time to think about my own issues. That’s when it started to click. I realized I needed to change things.” Sometimes she is still the target of mean behaviors but she remarks “I am kind of over being upset at people for it. I don’t know their stories, why they are bulling people, what is going on in their life. Maybe they are being bullied and in turn, hurt others. It’s not ok to do it but I think we should be aware of how the bully feels too.” Ultimately Ashley is now doing much better. Her mom has been instrumental in getting her “to where I can function” and the many one-on-one meeting with “awesome” Miss Terry, a teacher at ReLife, have helped her tremendously as well.
Brad, 17 years old
His Story:
Brad did not have the greatest relationship with his father. He is a volatile man and once he got violent with his mom and was scary to be around. Brad often had the feeling he could lash out, if not with his hands with harsh words and insults: it was like having a bully with anger issues in the house. Among other things he often blurted out homophobic remarks. Out of the house, at the same time, Brad found that some kids targeted him. One of them, on Facebook, proclaimed he would beat him up, and later someone else, whom Brad though was a friend, called him a faggot in a Facebook conversation. Brad in these cases would just ignore the insult and avoid those who wanted to offend him. On the surface he was cool, ignored confrontations, and lived the normal life of a handsome teenage boy. Deep down however he was hurt, really hurt. He lived in a society where people routinely talked about gay people negatively, as if being gay was unnatural, wrong, un-cool, or “dumb.” Every day he lived around schoolmates, his siblings, and even good friends who constantly joked around and insulted, lightly and more overtly, gay people. “It’s so gay” was a constant expression thrown around. Brad does not “look” gay and, considering how people acted, he did not feel that people would accept him if he opened up and admitted the he was. “7th and 8th grade I did not care to live anymore. I was not going to do anything [to hurt myself], I hoped it would pass, but…” But it was hard.
The Resolution:
In 10th grade, half way through the year, he came out. His friend Sarah asked him who he liked, and after some hesitation he admitted he liked a boy who she had introduced him to. She did not have a problem with it “she said she had my back, Kyree (his boyfriend) too.” Most people in fact responded positively: “that’s so cool” they would say. Once a group of guys felt they needed to publicly disagree and yelled at him and Kyree that they were faggots and flamers. “I don’t know if he actually knew what that means because we are not feminine at all.” But Brad did not care. He knew that the people that mattered were supportive and ok with this new side of him. Now if someone says “it’s so gay” Brads turns around and makes his presence known. Words mean something even if they are used with nonchalance, and Brad no longer pretends not to hear them.
His Story:
Brad did not have the greatest relationship with his father. He is a volatile man and once he got violent with his mom and was scary to be around. Brad often had the feeling he could lash out, if not with his hands with harsh words and insults: it was like having a bully with anger issues in the house. Among other things he often blurted out homophobic remarks. Out of the house, at the same time, Brad found that some kids targeted him. One of them, on Facebook, proclaimed he would beat him up, and later someone else, whom Brad though was a friend, called him a faggot in a Facebook conversation. Brad in these cases would just ignore the insult and avoid those who wanted to offend him. On the surface he was cool, ignored confrontations, and lived the normal life of a handsome teenage boy. Deep down however he was hurt, really hurt. He lived in a society where people routinely talked about gay people negatively, as if being gay was unnatural, wrong, un-cool, or “dumb.” Every day he lived around schoolmates, his siblings, and even good friends who constantly joked around and insulted, lightly and more overtly, gay people. “It’s so gay” was a constant expression thrown around. Brad does not “look” gay and, considering how people acted, he did not feel that people would accept him if he opened up and admitted the he was. “7th and 8th grade I did not care to live anymore. I was not going to do anything [to hurt myself], I hoped it would pass, but…” But it was hard.
The Resolution:
In 10th grade, half way through the year, he came out. His friend Sarah asked him who he liked, and after some hesitation he admitted he liked a boy who she had introduced him to. She did not have a problem with it “she said she had my back, Kyree (his boyfriend) too.” Most people in fact responded positively: “that’s so cool” they would say. Once a group of guys felt they needed to publicly disagree and yelled at him and Kyree that they were faggots and flamers. “I don’t know if he actually knew what that means because we are not feminine at all.” But Brad did not care. He knew that the people that mattered were supportive and ok with this new side of him. Now if someone says “it’s so gay” Brads turns around and makes his presence known. Words mean something even if they are used with nonchalance, and Brad no longer pretends not to hear them.
Cleo, 12 years old
Her Story:
Cleo started elementary school with a girl (we’ll call her B.). As they got older they were both popular and had a large group of friends, which did not please B, a very competitive girl. This was perhaps because B may have felt threatened by Cleo’s popularity. “I was friends with everyone, but I could also be shy and wanted her to like me” said Cleo.
Fourth grade an unhealthy dynamic started to develop between Cleo and B: B would be kind to her, feigning friendship, while lying to their mutual friends saying that Cleo had been badmouthing them. She would urge others to “drop” Cleo as a friend. “She was trying to isolate Cleo,” suggests her mom. After a while B started being rude and mistreating Cleo in front of everyone, no one would step up in her defense. In a manipulation game, she would then try to win Cleo over, and turn right back on her.
B was bossy - taller, bigger than the other girls their age, and very smart – and many kids were afraid of her. One day at recess she lured Cleo to an isolated area of the school yard, “She started kicking me, pulled my shirt over my head and dragged me around.” Cleo did not say a thing at home. She was afraid to tell her mom, a no-nonsense strong woman who surely would have reacted to the episode. Cleo did not want to be in the spotlight, and besides, she was afraid “to get more.” Her mom however, noticed that “her happy scale was lower than usual” and after some digging found out what happened. She emailed the principal and the B’s mom and followed up with a phone call. The principal called in the girls, spoke to them, and for a while things got better. The physical abuse was over, but B began again with verbal cruelty, to the point that Cleo, after being publicly insulted, would run away in tears. Her mom, again, tried to address the issue with the principal and the mom, but things did not get better.
The Resolution:
Cleo’s mom said “I talked to Cleo about taking her power away (B’s)” and after a while Cleo understood that she did not need this girl’s approval. She started to shrug off the insults, quit falling for the false offers of truce and friendship, and things got better. The taunting stopped (although someone else in the school became a new target) and Cleo, a wonderfully active and curious girl, with many friends and a great number of interests, has learned to stop caring about what mean spirited people say and do to push her buttons.
Her Story:
Cleo started elementary school with a girl (we’ll call her B.). As they got older they were both popular and had a large group of friends, which did not please B, a very competitive girl. This was perhaps because B may have felt threatened by Cleo’s popularity. “I was friends with everyone, but I could also be shy and wanted her to like me” said Cleo.
Fourth grade an unhealthy dynamic started to develop between Cleo and B: B would be kind to her, feigning friendship, while lying to their mutual friends saying that Cleo had been badmouthing them. She would urge others to “drop” Cleo as a friend. “She was trying to isolate Cleo,” suggests her mom. After a while B started being rude and mistreating Cleo in front of everyone, no one would step up in her defense. In a manipulation game, she would then try to win Cleo over, and turn right back on her.
B was bossy - taller, bigger than the other girls their age, and very smart – and many kids were afraid of her. One day at recess she lured Cleo to an isolated area of the school yard, “She started kicking me, pulled my shirt over my head and dragged me around.” Cleo did not say a thing at home. She was afraid to tell her mom, a no-nonsense strong woman who surely would have reacted to the episode. Cleo did not want to be in the spotlight, and besides, she was afraid “to get more.” Her mom however, noticed that “her happy scale was lower than usual” and after some digging found out what happened. She emailed the principal and the B’s mom and followed up with a phone call. The principal called in the girls, spoke to them, and for a while things got better. The physical abuse was over, but B began again with verbal cruelty, to the point that Cleo, after being publicly insulted, would run away in tears. Her mom, again, tried to address the issue with the principal and the mom, but things did not get better.
The Resolution:
Cleo’s mom said “I talked to Cleo about taking her power away (B’s)” and after a while Cleo understood that she did not need this girl’s approval. She started to shrug off the insults, quit falling for the false offers of truce and friendship, and things got better. The taunting stopped (although someone else in the school became a new target) and Cleo, a wonderfully active and curious girl, with many friends and a great number of interests, has learned to stop caring about what mean spirited people say and do to push her buttons.
Michael, 11 years old
His Story:
Since Kindergarten Michael and his buddy were close both in sports and at school. One day, mid-way in 5th grade, they had a small argument at school. That night Michael apologized via text message, but received a text message saying that they were no longer friends. The week after Michael started receiving nasty text messages saying that he was a cry baby and he was ugly and stupid. For two months he was tormented this way and after a while the harassment spilled into the classroom. Michael’s “friend” went out of his way to insult him in front of everyone, for instance by calling his answers in class dumb. At this point other kids followed suit and started to insult him. Michael thought all this ugliness would eventually go away so he did not say anything to the school or his parents. Spring break arrived and Michael’s mom noticed how much happier he was. However, he began to get more anxious and solemn as the vacation came to a close and when asked what was wrong, through many tears, he finally recounted what had been going on at school. Michael said that he thought that if he waited, if he was nice, that things would get better.
The Resolution:
The principal was informed, but she refused to allow Michael to change classroom, stating it was close to the end of the year and the kids were getting ready to take standardized tests (“as if the other classroom were not preparing the kids in the same way” commented Michael’s mom). So the only safe and supportive decision possible for the well-being of Michael was taken: he was moved to a different school, in a nearby town. “He lost a lot (dance, a trumpet program, s sport team) but it was the best decision for him.” Michael is now playing his trumpet, back doing sport and things at school are looking good. About his experience he says “It does leave you stronger though, it shows you how much you can take.”
Michael and his parents have learned from this situation in other ways too. He understands that he has to ask for help and they come to the conclusion that “as parents you have to ask specific questions.” For four months they had been in the dark and Michael had held all that pain inside, alone.
His Story:
Since Kindergarten Michael and his buddy were close both in sports and at school. One day, mid-way in 5th grade, they had a small argument at school. That night Michael apologized via text message, but received a text message saying that they were no longer friends. The week after Michael started receiving nasty text messages saying that he was a cry baby and he was ugly and stupid. For two months he was tormented this way and after a while the harassment spilled into the classroom. Michael’s “friend” went out of his way to insult him in front of everyone, for instance by calling his answers in class dumb. At this point other kids followed suit and started to insult him. Michael thought all this ugliness would eventually go away so he did not say anything to the school or his parents. Spring break arrived and Michael’s mom noticed how much happier he was. However, he began to get more anxious and solemn as the vacation came to a close and when asked what was wrong, through many tears, he finally recounted what had been going on at school. Michael said that he thought that if he waited, if he was nice, that things would get better.
The Resolution:
The principal was informed, but she refused to allow Michael to change classroom, stating it was close to the end of the year and the kids were getting ready to take standardized tests (“as if the other classroom were not preparing the kids in the same way” commented Michael’s mom). So the only safe and supportive decision possible for the well-being of Michael was taken: he was moved to a different school, in a nearby town. “He lost a lot (dance, a trumpet program, s sport team) but it was the best decision for him.” Michael is now playing his trumpet, back doing sport and things at school are looking good. About his experience he says “It does leave you stronger though, it shows you how much you can take.”
Michael and his parents have learned from this situation in other ways too. He understands that he has to ask for help and they come to the conclusion that “as parents you have to ask specific questions.” For four months they had been in the dark and Michael had held all that pain inside, alone.
Ashley, 16 years old
Her Story:
Ashley started experiencing isolation and unfriendly comments from her peers in kindergarten. “I had a huge gap in my teeth and was wearing a hearing aid.” Kids purposefully acted as she was not even there. She kept to herself throughout elementary school, and spent all her time alone. In 4th grade she made a friend but this girl only wanted to hang out with Ashley outside school and completely ignored her when at school.
In middle school, things started to get more openly hostile. In 5th grade kids started to imitate her voice (she has a lisp and does not pronounce fully all sounds being somewhat hard of hearing) and making fun of her. The same group, about 6 or 7 boys and 2 girls, consistently tormented her: called her a looser, and teased her “funny” clothes. When, one day, she sat next to a kid who was always alone at lunch -- she felt empathy; she knew what he was going through -- everyone teased: “Are you DATING him? Oh My God! You are such a LOSER! You touched him, get away from us!” It got so bad that in 6th grade she no longer wanted to go to school. Her mom emailed the teacher about what was happening, and the taunting kids were kept from recess and were told they were not to behave that way with Ashley. Unfortunately this made things a lot worst instead of better.
In 7th grade, Ashley was publicly humiliated by a boy who she had a crush on was. “Raise your hand if you are friend with Ashley” he taunted, but no one did, besides a friend of her who did so hesitantly, “I was scarred.” The same year, kids in her class openly told her she was stupid, even in front of the teachers. In 8th grade it got worst. Ashley started receiving phone calls from blocked numbers with a number of random insults. She felt she could not confront them, she did not know who they were from. Often Ashley would go home and cry thinking that she hated people. But she says she “wanted to just move on and hope it does not happen the next day. A bully may go home and forget. But you remember. I remember every instance in which somebody was mean to me. And I remember the times someone stood up for me.”
The Resolution:
Because Ashley is very athletic and did really in PE, the older kids there were friendly and made her feel good about herself. One day, as a kid starting insulting her in class, she stood up and told him to sit down and shut up and that he should stop to be mean to everyone. The class started clapping, approving of her bravely standing up to this young man. Even though in 9th and 10th grade there were still people who kept harassing her and calling her names, since 8th grade she had a good group of friends. Now things are better yet. She has dated some people who helped her realize she is an amazing person and improved her self-esteem. She said: “I don’t even care about these mean people anymore. They are not going to matter in 10 years.”
Her Story:
Ashley started experiencing isolation and unfriendly comments from her peers in kindergarten. “I had a huge gap in my teeth and was wearing a hearing aid.” Kids purposefully acted as she was not even there. She kept to herself throughout elementary school, and spent all her time alone. In 4th grade she made a friend but this girl only wanted to hang out with Ashley outside school and completely ignored her when at school.
In middle school, things started to get more openly hostile. In 5th grade kids started to imitate her voice (she has a lisp and does not pronounce fully all sounds being somewhat hard of hearing) and making fun of her. The same group, about 6 or 7 boys and 2 girls, consistently tormented her: called her a looser, and teased her “funny” clothes. When, one day, she sat next to a kid who was always alone at lunch -- she felt empathy; she knew what he was going through -- everyone teased: “Are you DATING him? Oh My God! You are such a LOSER! You touched him, get away from us!” It got so bad that in 6th grade she no longer wanted to go to school. Her mom emailed the teacher about what was happening, and the taunting kids were kept from recess and were told they were not to behave that way with Ashley. Unfortunately this made things a lot worst instead of better.
In 7th grade, Ashley was publicly humiliated by a boy who she had a crush on was. “Raise your hand if you are friend with Ashley” he taunted, but no one did, besides a friend of her who did so hesitantly, “I was scarred.” The same year, kids in her class openly told her she was stupid, even in front of the teachers. In 8th grade it got worst. Ashley started receiving phone calls from blocked numbers with a number of random insults. She felt she could not confront them, she did not know who they were from. Often Ashley would go home and cry thinking that she hated people. But she says she “wanted to just move on and hope it does not happen the next day. A bully may go home and forget. But you remember. I remember every instance in which somebody was mean to me. And I remember the times someone stood up for me.”
The Resolution:
Because Ashley is very athletic and did really in PE, the older kids there were friendly and made her feel good about herself. One day, as a kid starting insulting her in class, she stood up and told him to sit down and shut up and that he should stop to be mean to everyone. The class started clapping, approving of her bravely standing up to this young man. Even though in 9th and 10th grade there were still people who kept harassing her and calling her names, since 8th grade she had a good group of friends. Now things are better yet. She has dated some people who helped her realize she is an amazing person and improved her self-esteem. She said: “I don’t even care about these mean people anymore. They are not going to matter in 10 years.”
Stella, 8 years old
Her Story:
The school’s bathroom has been an unsafe place for Stella starting in the 1st grade. Boys and girls made fun of her clothes and their colors. They would laugh or stare at her and say “you are not supposed to wear THAT!” In second grade, a kid told Stella she couldn't be in the boys’ bathroom because she was wearing pink. "Boys aren't allowed to wear pink; it's a girl color." One day, Stella was in the bathroom and a group of kids, mostly one boy, started teasing her, making up that she was wearing pink underwear. This false claim hurt her feeling, “he could not have known that, plus I was not!” One day she was heading to the bathroom and when she was still in earshot, she heard two girls giggled and comment “he looks creepy in pink.” Stella grew tired of these constant comments, unwanted critical attentions, and daily harassment.
The Resolution:
Now, when the comments and the teasing get more intense or frequent, Stella talks about it with his mom, who is very supportive and strong, and with his teacher, who brings up the issue in class to make all the kids aware of the subtle way they could be, even without meaning to, hurting someone’s feelings. Stella is fortunate because of the support she gets from family and friends and because of them she is learning how much she is worth and how little it matters that what she likes to wear does not fit the stereotype of what a boy “should” wear.
Addendum:
Since the time this photograph was taken Stella transitioned to her gender identity and is no longer using her dead name.
Her Story:
The school’s bathroom has been an unsafe place for Stella starting in the 1st grade. Boys and girls made fun of her clothes and their colors. They would laugh or stare at her and say “you are not supposed to wear THAT!” In second grade, a kid told Stella she couldn't be in the boys’ bathroom because she was wearing pink. "Boys aren't allowed to wear pink; it's a girl color." One day, Stella was in the bathroom and a group of kids, mostly one boy, started teasing her, making up that she was wearing pink underwear. This false claim hurt her feeling, “he could not have known that, plus I was not!” One day she was heading to the bathroom and when she was still in earshot, she heard two girls giggled and comment “he looks creepy in pink.” Stella grew tired of these constant comments, unwanted critical attentions, and daily harassment.
The Resolution:
Now, when the comments and the teasing get more intense or frequent, Stella talks about it with his mom, who is very supportive and strong, and with his teacher, who brings up the issue in class to make all the kids aware of the subtle way they could be, even without meaning to, hurting someone’s feelings. Stella is fortunate because of the support she gets from family and friends and because of them she is learning how much she is worth and how little it matters that what she likes to wear does not fit the stereotype of what a boy “should” wear.
Addendum:
Since the time this photograph was taken Stella transitioned to her gender identity and is no longer using her dead name.
Tova, 8 years old
Her Story:
Tova is a quiet girl. In class and at recess, girls would constantly tell her “stop talking, you are stupid.” When teachers are informed, the classmates deny their actions. Tova is looked at as being too sensitive or fabricating lies. She tries to avoid these kids but they seek her out trying to push her buttons. Sometimes, classmates will claim that they want to be her friend and they want to play with her at recess, Tova will question their intentions, but eventually becomes convinced that the offer to be included is sincere. But too often she learns that she is being deceived again: they would run away from her, call her names, or forbid her from joining in a game. Once they convinced her to hold her hand in front of her face with some excuse, and then punched her hand causing her to hit herself. What could be a funny prank friends play on each other turns out to be a cruel embarrassment when the classmates tell her how stupid she is for falling for the trick. What’s worse is that they retell the “funny” story to others and even more kids continue reminding Tova of the incident and laugh at her for weeks. Tova dreads going to school. Before the school week is done, she will have dark circles under her eyes. As much as she wants to have friends and have a good time at school, she ends up isolating herself to get away from the subtle, yet relentless, picking at her of other kids. Because of these experiences, Tova is so full of anxiety that she spends each day at school trying to be invisible to teachers and classmates. She even refuses to go to the bathroom at school for fear that leaving class will draw attention to herself.
The Resolution:
To prepare herself for embarrassing and hurtful situations, Tova has been role-playing her reactions and feelings with her family. She tries to remind herself to think of a song or pray when classmates are being cruel, instead of being compelled to defend herself. This year, in 3rd grade, Tova is working to be able to successfully recognize academic learning opportunities and filter out classmate’s drama and trickery. She is also trying to recognize the truth when classmates say, “I want to be your friend."
Her Story:
Tova is a quiet girl. In class and at recess, girls would constantly tell her “stop talking, you are stupid.” When teachers are informed, the classmates deny their actions. Tova is looked at as being too sensitive or fabricating lies. She tries to avoid these kids but they seek her out trying to push her buttons. Sometimes, classmates will claim that they want to be her friend and they want to play with her at recess, Tova will question their intentions, but eventually becomes convinced that the offer to be included is sincere. But too often she learns that she is being deceived again: they would run away from her, call her names, or forbid her from joining in a game. Once they convinced her to hold her hand in front of her face with some excuse, and then punched her hand causing her to hit herself. What could be a funny prank friends play on each other turns out to be a cruel embarrassment when the classmates tell her how stupid she is for falling for the trick. What’s worse is that they retell the “funny” story to others and even more kids continue reminding Tova of the incident and laugh at her for weeks. Tova dreads going to school. Before the school week is done, she will have dark circles under her eyes. As much as she wants to have friends and have a good time at school, she ends up isolating herself to get away from the subtle, yet relentless, picking at her of other kids. Because of these experiences, Tova is so full of anxiety that she spends each day at school trying to be invisible to teachers and classmates. She even refuses to go to the bathroom at school for fear that leaving class will draw attention to herself.
The Resolution:
To prepare herself for embarrassing and hurtful situations, Tova has been role-playing her reactions and feelings with her family. She tries to remind herself to think of a song or pray when classmates are being cruel, instead of being compelled to defend herself. This year, in 3rd grade, Tova is working to be able to successfully recognize academic learning opportunities and filter out classmate’s drama and trickery. She is also trying to recognize the truth when classmates say, “I want to be your friend."
Makin, 10 years old
His Story:
Makin, Arabic for strong, had a rough start in life. In Utero, is parents were told he would have health issues, and as a baby he was often sick. As a child he missed a lot of school. Making was a sensitive child and early on he was easily upset when kids would tease him. They would make him furious by repeatedly calling him “Makin-bacon” and when he would react by yelling at them to stop they would continue, excited by the strong reaction they caused.
In 4th grade a new kid joined Makin’s class. “He was a bit of a troublemaker” and targeted several kids but Makin in particular, by teasing him, and physically harassing him. One day, this kid and seven of his friends surrounded Makin on the playground and one of them rammed into him. “They were slowly caving in on me” he said, and while trying to back up Makin accidentally hit a boy with his elbow, “I was just trying to back away.” Called in by the principal the boys said that they had been attacked by Makin and, at first, she believed them on the account of the fact he had been in a few fights before. “Back then, in 4th grade, I was not so good at controlling my anger,” Making reports. Thankfully, other kids on the playground were asked too, and they reiterated Makin’s side of the story. Makin’s mom says that it seems Makin unwillingly attracts these kind of kids and situations. For instance a similar thing happened at the pool. He was on his own, peacefully swimming, and three kids who he had never seen before started splashing and pinching him out of the blue. Being a quiet child, content to be on his own, Makin does not have a large number of friends to back him up and seems to be a “bully” magnet.”
The Resolution:
Makin is now getting much better at calming himself down when he feels like he may be getting angry and tries to care less about kids teasing him. Of course it’s unpleasant and annoying when a stranger tells him things like “you look goofy in those swim trunks,” but it is not as bad as it would have been a few years ago. Every hostile situation he has experienced has shaped him and made him grow a little bit faster. Luckily, Makin has been able to use his experience to learn to have more empathy and to channel his initial anger into irony.
His Story:
Makin, Arabic for strong, had a rough start in life. In Utero, is parents were told he would have health issues, and as a baby he was often sick. As a child he missed a lot of school. Making was a sensitive child and early on he was easily upset when kids would tease him. They would make him furious by repeatedly calling him “Makin-bacon” and when he would react by yelling at them to stop they would continue, excited by the strong reaction they caused.
In 4th grade a new kid joined Makin’s class. “He was a bit of a troublemaker” and targeted several kids but Makin in particular, by teasing him, and physically harassing him. One day, this kid and seven of his friends surrounded Makin on the playground and one of them rammed into him. “They were slowly caving in on me” he said, and while trying to back up Makin accidentally hit a boy with his elbow, “I was just trying to back away.” Called in by the principal the boys said that they had been attacked by Makin and, at first, she believed them on the account of the fact he had been in a few fights before. “Back then, in 4th grade, I was not so good at controlling my anger,” Making reports. Thankfully, other kids on the playground were asked too, and they reiterated Makin’s side of the story. Makin’s mom says that it seems Makin unwillingly attracts these kind of kids and situations. For instance a similar thing happened at the pool. He was on his own, peacefully swimming, and three kids who he had never seen before started splashing and pinching him out of the blue. Being a quiet child, content to be on his own, Makin does not have a large number of friends to back him up and seems to be a “bully” magnet.”
The Resolution:
Makin is now getting much better at calming himself down when he feels like he may be getting angry and tries to care less about kids teasing him. Of course it’s unpleasant and annoying when a stranger tells him things like “you look goofy in those swim trunks,” but it is not as bad as it would have been a few years ago. Every hostile situation he has experienced has shaped him and made him grow a little bit faster. Luckily, Makin has been able to use his experience to learn to have more empathy and to channel his initial anger into irony.
Rebecca, 17 years old
Her Story:
In 7th grade, when the Twilight series was quite popular, Rebecca changed her look. Still adhering to her middle school’s dress code she started wearing darker clothes and several bracelets. A group of kids in her grade, who she was friend with the previous year, started to tease her: “they laughed at me and asked me certain questions to make fun of me.” She would try to talk to them, hang out at lunch but they would “walk away from me, gave me dirty looks, or laugh at me.” Eager to fit in she asked her mom to take her shopping to buy some skinny jeans, but when she showed up at school with these it was even worst, “they realized they had had an effect on me, that if they made fun of me, I would react and try to fit in.” One day during English class, Rebecca got up to read a poem, and when she walked back to her desk, “this boy yelled at me and called me “Emo” which is the slang for these who cut themselves. Just because I dressed differently than other people.”
The Resolution:
Towards the end of the year Rebecca started to realize that she had to move on, and it was not worth it to try to be friend with these kids. She decided to dye her hair black: “I was tired of the negative reaction. And as soon as I did that everyone at school was shocked, they couldn’t believe I had done something so extreme to my hair and realized I really did not care what they thought.” In 8th grade Rebecca stopped talking to these kids and made new friends, including a girl who is still her best friend today. “I was a lot happier; I still wore my bracelets, although I started to grow out of my darker clothes phase. And I did stuff to make me happy not to make them happy.”
Her Story:
In 7th grade, when the Twilight series was quite popular, Rebecca changed her look. Still adhering to her middle school’s dress code she started wearing darker clothes and several bracelets. A group of kids in her grade, who she was friend with the previous year, started to tease her: “they laughed at me and asked me certain questions to make fun of me.” She would try to talk to them, hang out at lunch but they would “walk away from me, gave me dirty looks, or laugh at me.” Eager to fit in she asked her mom to take her shopping to buy some skinny jeans, but when she showed up at school with these it was even worst, “they realized they had had an effect on me, that if they made fun of me, I would react and try to fit in.” One day during English class, Rebecca got up to read a poem, and when she walked back to her desk, “this boy yelled at me and called me “Emo” which is the slang for these who cut themselves. Just because I dressed differently than other people.”
The Resolution:
Towards the end of the year Rebecca started to realize that she had to move on, and it was not worth it to try to be friend with these kids. She decided to dye her hair black: “I was tired of the negative reaction. And as soon as I did that everyone at school was shocked, they couldn’t believe I had done something so extreme to my hair and realized I really did not care what they thought.” In 8th grade Rebecca stopped talking to these kids and made new friends, including a girl who is still her best friend today. “I was a lot happier; I still wore my bracelets, although I started to grow out of my darker clothes phase. And I did stuff to make me happy not to make them happy.”
Sulwyn, 8 years old
Her Story:
Sulwyn is a reserved and sweet girl who keeps to herself. In first grade kids began calling her names. One day, a group of five girls surrounded her in the bathroom and twisted her arm. Thankfully she told the teacher and the teacher believed her. The girls got in trouble, and after that they left her alone. In second grade one girl kicked Sulwyn around, and called her “fat.” Furthermore, during recess, classmates would trap Sulwyn on the monkey bars and yell at her to get off or would wrap their legs around her to make her fall. She tried to stay away from the kids who targeted her, but sometimes classmates would approach her only to lure her in and turn on her. Multiples times, Sulwyn was scraped up from these falls and had to be taken to the school nurse. When kids who caused the incidents were questioned, they acted sincerely sorry and concerned, claiming these falls were accidents. Instances like this happen occur over and over again. Sulwyn cannot always avoid getting trapped in these situations. These often dangerous interactions with classmates emotionally wound her, and to get away from the rejection and ridicule, she isolates herself.
The Resolution:
Sulwyn has found a way to avoid the drama: she runs track. With new found confidence, she is good about telling her teacher if something is unjust, and is learning not to give too much weight to kid’s mean words. Sulwyn even befriended a boy with bulling tendencies “I helped him to be nicer and not bully others.”
Her Story:
Sulwyn is a reserved and sweet girl who keeps to herself. In first grade kids began calling her names. One day, a group of five girls surrounded her in the bathroom and twisted her arm. Thankfully she told the teacher and the teacher believed her. The girls got in trouble, and after that they left her alone. In second grade one girl kicked Sulwyn around, and called her “fat.” Furthermore, during recess, classmates would trap Sulwyn on the monkey bars and yell at her to get off or would wrap their legs around her to make her fall. She tried to stay away from the kids who targeted her, but sometimes classmates would approach her only to lure her in and turn on her. Multiples times, Sulwyn was scraped up from these falls and had to be taken to the school nurse. When kids who caused the incidents were questioned, they acted sincerely sorry and concerned, claiming these falls were accidents. Instances like this happen occur over and over again. Sulwyn cannot always avoid getting trapped in these situations. These often dangerous interactions with classmates emotionally wound her, and to get away from the rejection and ridicule, she isolates herself.
The Resolution:
Sulwyn has found a way to avoid the drama: she runs track. With new found confidence, she is good about telling her teacher if something is unjust, and is learning not to give too much weight to kid’s mean words. Sulwyn even befriended a boy with bulling tendencies “I helped him to be nicer and not bully others.”
Connor, 10 years old
His Story:
Starting in preschool, until 3rd grade, Connor was in school with a kid who called him names and pushed him around -- in many occasions and with no apparent reasons. He did that to other kids too; to Connor it seemed as if “he wanted to have people mad at him.” He was rude and aggressive on the playground and in various sport teams, but in basketball in particular, he seemed to focus on Connor. “He went to the principal’s office all the time” but it did not seem to make a bit difference. Tired of the continuous bullying, Connor’s mom, transferred him to another school for his 4th grade. At first things were good, but after a while, one of his classmates started to hassle him. He was unpleasant with other kids as well and “cussed all the time,” but perhaps because Connor was new and shy at first, he targeted him more. Once, they were in line, Connor ahead of him, and he kicked him in the groin; another day, while they were both doing work in a space outside the classroom, he looked at him and told him not to tell on him when he teased or harassed him: he had a knife in his pocket. He did not specifically say what he was going to do with it if Connor “disobeyed” his request, but to Connor it was clear that it was not going to be good. He would get hurt.
The Resolution:
Connor did not say anything to his mom…he had gone through it all before. But his classmates had noticed and decided to speak up: one day, when he was home sick, there was a class meeting to discuss the aggressive behavior Connor and others had been victim of. It was a great example of support from other children in the class, who stood up to stop the bullying, and from the teacher who tackled to issue the whole class. The principal was swift to act and there were consequences.
His Story:
Starting in preschool, until 3rd grade, Connor was in school with a kid who called him names and pushed him around -- in many occasions and with no apparent reasons. He did that to other kids too; to Connor it seemed as if “he wanted to have people mad at him.” He was rude and aggressive on the playground and in various sport teams, but in basketball in particular, he seemed to focus on Connor. “He went to the principal’s office all the time” but it did not seem to make a bit difference. Tired of the continuous bullying, Connor’s mom, transferred him to another school for his 4th grade. At first things were good, but after a while, one of his classmates started to hassle him. He was unpleasant with other kids as well and “cussed all the time,” but perhaps because Connor was new and shy at first, he targeted him more. Once, they were in line, Connor ahead of him, and he kicked him in the groin; another day, while they were both doing work in a space outside the classroom, he looked at him and told him not to tell on him when he teased or harassed him: he had a knife in his pocket. He did not specifically say what he was going to do with it if Connor “disobeyed” his request, but to Connor it was clear that it was not going to be good. He would get hurt.
The Resolution:
Connor did not say anything to his mom…he had gone through it all before. But his classmates had noticed and decided to speak up: one day, when he was home sick, there was a class meeting to discuss the aggressive behavior Connor and others had been victim of. It was a great example of support from other children in the class, who stood up to stop the bullying, and from the teacher who tackled to issue the whole class. The principal was swift to act and there were consequences.
Ann, 15 years old
Her Story:
In kindergarten Ann was a shy child, several times, when she was overwhelmed, she would burst into tears and soon kids started calling her “crybaby.” This “nickname” stuck throughout elementary school and even followed her into Middle school, when they also started calling her “chatterbox.” Another subject Ann was pestered about was her first name, who no one seemed to bother pronouncing correctly, even after years of being told how to. In 7th grade she had it legally changed to Ann, but kids still used the previous name, in a mocking fashion. In 6th grade it was her arachnophobia that sparked her schoolmates interest, and not in a good way. They started teasing her, showing her books with close-up pictures of spiders and talking about the details in their eating habits, and about how they gobbled up their pray. One day, after a class where they were studying insects, she was followed to the next lesson by a group of kids who kept going on and on about the subject, clearly trying to unsettle her. Finally she burst out “Just leave me alone! I have been thinking about killing myself!” She said she did so without thinking. She wouldn’t have done it but she had indeed fantasized about it when the constant bugging seemed to have no end. She was sent to the councilor (who never contacted Ann’s mom about it…) but that was about all that the school did.
The Resolution:
At first Ann’s reaction to the endless badgering ranged from tears to anger. Later she started “fact stating”… when kids would talk to her about spiders as “bugs” for instance, she would reply “they are actually arachnids, not insects, and have eight legs thank you very much” and by blurting out long scientific information, which, she soon learned, would shut up her tormentors who would finally leave her in peace. Also, Ann started standing up for herself and to respond coolly and firmly to these who liked to make fun of her. Now she is getting ready to start High School in a new neighborhood, is writing a book with a friend in a blog, and is thinking about writing a paper book “teen supernatural” series. She is stronger now, and ready to start new friendships and adventures.
Her Story:
In kindergarten Ann was a shy child, several times, when she was overwhelmed, she would burst into tears and soon kids started calling her “crybaby.” This “nickname” stuck throughout elementary school and even followed her into Middle school, when they also started calling her “chatterbox.” Another subject Ann was pestered about was her first name, who no one seemed to bother pronouncing correctly, even after years of being told how to. In 7th grade she had it legally changed to Ann, but kids still used the previous name, in a mocking fashion. In 6th grade it was her arachnophobia that sparked her schoolmates interest, and not in a good way. They started teasing her, showing her books with close-up pictures of spiders and talking about the details in their eating habits, and about how they gobbled up their pray. One day, after a class where they were studying insects, she was followed to the next lesson by a group of kids who kept going on and on about the subject, clearly trying to unsettle her. Finally she burst out “Just leave me alone! I have been thinking about killing myself!” She said she did so without thinking. She wouldn’t have done it but she had indeed fantasized about it when the constant bugging seemed to have no end. She was sent to the councilor (who never contacted Ann’s mom about it…) but that was about all that the school did.
The Resolution:
At first Ann’s reaction to the endless badgering ranged from tears to anger. Later she started “fact stating”… when kids would talk to her about spiders as “bugs” for instance, she would reply “they are actually arachnids, not insects, and have eight legs thank you very much” and by blurting out long scientific information, which, she soon learned, would shut up her tormentors who would finally leave her in peace. Also, Ann started standing up for herself and to respond coolly and firmly to these who liked to make fun of her. Now she is getting ready to start High School in a new neighborhood, is writing a book with a friend in a blog, and is thinking about writing a paper book “teen supernatural” series. She is stronger now, and ready to start new friendships and adventures.
